Silence

Today we sat in silence

me, and twenty other people

but I sat by myself

totally

and utterly

alone

We were supposed to sit and

be

be alone

or with God

take time

out of the day

to reflect

I did

thinking only of my sin

thinking only of what I’d done

to my God

whom I  love most

and it hurt me

I wanted not only to be silent

but to be deaf and blind

I do not deserve the goodness of this day

the sunshine on my face

the warm breeze in my hair

and all I can feel is guilt

I don’t want others to see me

and then I don’t care

It doesn’t matter if they see my tears

God can see them

God knows

He sees my guilt

sees my want to repent

but then

“Are you really guilty for your sin

or are you just scared of the consequences

maybe you just want people to like you

You’re doing a damn poor job of it,

by the way,

but does it even matter what they think?

You’re pitiful

You’re not ashamed of your sin

you’re just a pitiful, broken human

afraid of your own shadow

afraid of the pain

afraid of what others will think of you

afraid of what I will think of you

afraid of the punishment

afraid of hell.”

I’m not sure who said this to me

myself?

God?

the Devil?

but whoever it was

was right

damn them

and I felt guiltier because of it

because I know of my sin

and I know of the nails in the precious hands

and I know I put them there

and I don’t know if I feel guilty about my sin

or not

and I am not sure if I could have prevented the sufferings of my Lord

I am just a pitiful, poor, broken, human

afraid of what the future will hold

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20 Comments

Filed under Free Verse, Memoir

20 responses to “Silence

  1. never feel guilty about one’s sin,

    very cute flow…
    enjoyed your entry.

  2. you are just like the rest of mankind — w/ sin
    you are not like the rest of mankind — not all great poet 🙂

  3. our god is love and love knows no guilt nor boundaries. if you and i can be like god, we would have been born one or a saint of somekind. and since we are not, let us live like humans~ not god and acknowledge that heaviness on our shoulder is not wings.. let god be god and you be you. the problem comes when man struggles to be god or god like and the church very well knows you and i cant be. the church thrives on our struggles to make themself relevant at the expense of our misery! make no mistake~ i love God in all its simplicity. As for the church, or any other places of worship, just go, focus on God and pray, then leave. That wil do you alot of good! here’s my week 38 potluck.. http://fiveloaf.wordpress.com/2010/09/30/i-cant-hold-it/

  4. Pingback: Thursday Poets Rally Week 38 (Feb 17-23) | Jingle

  5. Surprised me with this one on a Thursday. I would expect it on a Sunday, or better yet, a Monday. Yep, sounds like a bad Monday morning.

  6. That was a beautiful poem.Liked it!

  7. Gwenyth

    Maybe that’s what the communion of saints all about: laying our hands on each other’s bowed heads and saying we love them by asking God for His blessing and forgiveness upon them. I lay my hands on you and say, “God forgive us both.”

  8. Ahh!!! So beautifully said.. I enjoyed it.

    ॐ नमः शिवाय
    Om Namah Shivaya
    http://shadowdancingwithmind.blogspot.com/2011/01/whispers-wanderer.html
    Twitter @VerseEveryDay

  9. nice write… although i like redemptive endings 🙂

  10. Silence is scary sometimes, but if gives you ample time to think. Is that perhaps why it is golden? Here’s mine http://thelunaticsdiary.blogspot.com/2011/02/here-today-and-maybe-melted-tomorrow.html
    I also have a twitter, my username being MsMatsui. If you want, come follow me!

  11. -D

    it’s a refreshing read. silence is very poignant in some sense.

  12. Pingback: The Celebrate Poet of Spring in 2011 Awards Nomination Accouncement | Promising Poets' Parking Lot

  13. Greetings:

    Hope all is well.

    Noting that you have been part of poets rally in the year of 2011,
    what an achievement, thanks for your outstanding contribution to us
    along the way, keep up the excellence. Best!

    Come join our poetry rally today if you wish to mingle and get inspired!

    A poem of your choice or a free verse is accepted.

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

    Looking forward to seeing you share.
    Respect and hugs.
    xoxox

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